Last week we brought up the importance of empathy and active listening when working to build the master key to trust in your organization. We took a deep dive into ways to practice active listening and dispelled myths commonly associated with the tool. Spoiler Alert: You already hold the master key.
We have defined empathy as showing up genuinely for people and is a powerful trait to connect with others. In her book, Daring Greatly, Dr. Brene Brown defines empathy as “Simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting and communicating that incredible healing message of ‘You are not alone.’” Empathy aids in establishing trust and developing meaningful communications. There can be a downside when empathy is not tailored for the intensity and type required in a given situation. As you read, try to identify which kind of empathy is your default form of expression and the most comfortable for you.
In his newest book, The Earned Life: Lose Regret, Choose Fulfillment, Marshall Goldsmith breaks down types of empathy in new ways. Empathy is often written as three-fold: Cognitive, Emotional, and Compassionate Empathy. Goldsmith introduces a new prism to view through the actions or feelings associated with each. Through this, we learn a new way of addressing empathy as both a positive connector and something that can be toxic when there is an imbalance of empathy, and, therefore, dampen the intended purpose. Goldsmith discusses four different types of empathy in relation to interpersonal communications:
- Empathy of Understanding - Where you’re coming from; understanding motivations. Example: Advertisers have a deep understanding of their target market or avatar and can utilize this empathy to influence a buyer’s emotions leading to the purchase of a product.
- Downside: Propaganda is a fantastic demonstration of Empathy of Understanding in action for manipulation.
- Empathy of Caring - Showing and demonstrating care for another. The downside can be caring so much that it leads to caution. Example: A seasoned Hedge fund manager who later in life professed to “care too much” and became risk averse with the money of those he cared about. Hedge Fund managers by nature, need to remain detached to deal in the trade effectively.
- Downside: Why parents can’t operate on their children - they care too much; or why the legal system has a process to recuse from cases in which the individual (or someone they know) is personally affected. Burnout is also a great example, you care so much that you continue to work, but it leads to burnout over time without a system to separate from the caring.
- Empathy of Feeling - When you feel with the other, you can tap into how another is feeling. Example: You feel joy for someone else when they experience joy.
- Downside: An oncology physician at a children’s hospital - The feeling could be debilitation without a boundary; alternatively, you feel crushed by the blow to someone else’s life due to an overwhelming feeling of empathy.
- Empathy of Doing/Acting - This is working to solve, fix or take action to express empathy. Example: There’s a problem and you want to fix it.
- Downside: White knight syndrome quickly becomes imposing action bias without being asked.
Which one sounds more like you? Do you “feel for” the person experiencing hardship? Do you jump to action? Do you understand and try to guide someone through a challenge with advice? Do you feel frustrated when you care more than others about their success? If you are unsure, ask the people closest to you. Give others an opportunity to honestly assess how you show up genuinely and express empathy toward others. Which of these empathy types is most representative of you? Which do you practice the least?
When the weather changes, do you change your clothes to fit the climate? No one expects to wear shorts in Alaskan winters, or down parkas in Alabama summers. Sure, down jackets are comfortable and soft, but it’s hardly appropriate for 90-degree heat with high humidity. In the case of clothing choice, situational requirements trump comfort. Harnessing the power of empathy to genuinely show up for others rests upon navigating situations as fluidly as you would welcome a change of clothes to fit the weather. To practice empathy flexibility means to select the most appropriate form of empathy to show up genuinely for the other person, rather than what fits most closely inside your own comfort zone of expression.
I’m going to be bold and say everyone is empathetic. We all have different levels of flexibility and varied ways of expressing our empathy for others. Those who are classified as being more empathetic are likely more flexible in their expression to match the needs of others. To show up genuinely for others, it must be on their terms, for their sake (similar to active listening), rather than for your comfort. The downside of inflexible empathy makes your response likely to match your situation, stress, and anxiety, not the speaker's.
The “E” is for Empathy in Change Enthusiasm Global’s trademarked C.H.A.N.G.E. Traits. This portion of the acronym provides sound three-part advice for increasing your opportunity to listen and flex your empathy muscle. It’s important to note these steps are only worth the time and effort you put into creating a safe and open environment. Go through each of these while developing your awareness and skill of active listening and empathy flexibility.
- Increase Organizational Pulse Check Opportunities - Annual reviews are a typical benchmark for the overall health of an organization (job satisfaction, belief in leadership, trust in company direction, aligned mission and values, etc.). A way to practice empathy-building is to increase the tempo of these organizational pulse checks and allow opportunities to flex your active listening muscle while showing your team that you care. Especially during times of change in your organization, it is crucial to increase the frequency of formal and informal check-ins with your team.
- Direct Report Engagements - During change, another great way to express empathy and increase trust is to offer additional one-on-one meetings with your direct reports. Through these conversations, you have the opportunity to share direction and feedback, and your direct reports feel empowered, heard, and safe to share their unique challenges. Share your intent to develop a better understanding of their perspective.
- Listen and Respond - Step into the practice of active listening; seek feedback for understanding. This step works exceptionally well in one-on-one engagements but can become routine practice to listen and seek proper interpretation for understanding. Often, the speaker will allude or even directly tell you what they need from you when you are willing to ask questions like those addressed in Part 1.
When navigating change, seek to improve your ability to connect with your team. Regular self-assessment, as well as peer-to-peer check-ins, can be a fantastic guide to staying on course. Be free to openly declare you are actively working to build trust and ask others how you are doing in the mission. Be leery of fixed mindsets or believing you excel at a particular area without gaining perspective from those in your peer group. Recall the first myth of Active listening from part 1, most believe they are better listeners than they actually practice.
In a Harvard Business Review Article, entrenchment is a term used to refer to when habits, beliefs, or attitudes become so firm they morph from “what I believe” to “who I am.” This shift makes connecting, trust-building, and changing very difficult. Like empathy, there are positives and negatives associated with entrenchment. In subgroup entrenchment, where smaller groups form based on perceptions of clear shared, specific views, members can work very well together and feel contentment in their team. Conversely, sub-group entrenchment can feed perceived divisions across working groups and disparage open organizational communication, team commitment, innovation, and performance.
You probably already know if entrenchment dynamics exist in your organization. Knowing the potential and increasing engagement opportunities can help provide a more vivid picture as you identify and work to build bridges.
Build bridges across entrenchments. Shake up the working groups and dynamics, encouraging open dialogue focusing on shared goals and shared (organizational) foes. Role model active listening and empathy flexibility. During a conversation between this author and Jeff Zearfoss, owner of The Carter Payne, a Colorado Springs cooperative libation and dining house, he said, “It’s impossible to hate up close. When you see and recognize another’s humanity, you realize we aren’t all that different.” Spending more time together, both informal and formal while identifying the team members who act as the bridges between subgroups will create a more human approach to building trust individually, the organization, and for you as the leader.
Developing appropriate empathy combined with active listening is simple, though not easy, requiring practice and commitment.
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